On my Childhood

Sylvia Rust

EDU 507

Sylvia Rust (I) was born November second 1997. I was the sixth of six children. My dad had two children out of high school, Ben and Claire, and four children with my mother, Nathaniel, Lydia, Abigail, and me. My oldest brother is twenty-five years older than me, which resulted in limited interactions between us. My parents got divorced when I was four. We lived primarily with my mother - my three blood siblings and me. My mother has always worked very hard to support us — sometimes working 80-90 hour work weeks during my youth. My father has owned his own mowing business for 50 years — which resulted in many missed opportunities for creating childhood memories with us. Today, my siblings, Abigail and Nathaniel, live in Fort Wayne. My brother, Ben lives in Atlanta, my sister, Claire, lives in Brooklyn, and my sister, Lydia, lives in southern Germany. As a preface, we do not and never have had amazing family dynamics. We are not a nuclear family. 

Early Childhood

My parents divorced when I was four. I don’t remember much about this time. Some of my core memories are of my siblings bullying me in various ways. I couldn’t say certain words, “hostage” was one of them. 

“I’m not a hoskidge, I’m not a hoskidge!” I would say as my brother, Nathaniel, who is eight-years-older than me would throw me over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. 

I’d say, “I want my mommy ah-hoo” as my siblings cared for me. I never thought about my cognitive, linguistic, social/emotional, and/or physical development, but now that I am thinking about it, I spent a lot of my early childhood (3-6) being taken care of by my older siblings. Just today, I was talking with my coworker about how my brother and sister would bring bread home after they’d get off from working at Panera. I learned most of my speech (and my interests) from my siblings. I know Erickson’s stage theory talks a lot about parents, but my life was really influenced by the lack of parents in my home. I didn’t distrust my parents, but I have never had any idea that my parents were supposed to be helping build my trust in people.

Childhood

I started forging my parents’ signatures when I was in third grade. My parents always joked that I was like Matilda. I spent lots of my childhood with my friends and their parents. I did not really realize my autonomy for a long time. I was shameful most of my life. I have never felt like I had a purpose, and I don’t know if that’s because my parents used parentification for my siblings. 

Early Adolescence

Identity confusion is a big thing for me in early adolescence. I spent a long time writing poems about how I was afraid of coming out as queer. I remember the first time I told my mom I liked girls, she tried to disown me. She would never admit that she did that, but I think this time in my life was really bad for me. I had older friends and they introduced me to a boy that took advantage of me as an 11-year-old. I have always had a hard time knowing what is appropriate or not in relationships and friendships. 

Adolescence

I have always had a hard time with love and intimacy. I have an anxious personality in relationships which makes people suspicious of me, although I try to be as honest as I can be. 

Emerging Adulthood/Adulthood

As a mother, I worry constantly about my child’s life. I don’t want to be like my mom and work 80-90 hours a week, but I do currently. When my mother had my siblings to raise me, it was fine, but I now stress about my only-child being alone. She deserves better. 

After reading Delpit, I thought about my own problematic thoughts about grammar and Standard American English. As a speech instructor, I make sure I tell my students that if they are worried about their speech, they do not have to be. As a mother, when my daughter uses AAVE or the wrong sentence structure, I try to stress that this is okay and she is understood. All I wanted as a child and even now as an adult is to be understood.